So, You Say You Want a Resolution...

Well, peeps, its that time of year again: the first week in January, wherein people come up with things they want to do or stop doing in the new year and tell people about them shortly before they give up on them entirely (usually before February 1).

As you've likely gathered, I'm frequent participant in social conventions. Therefore, I too have come up with some new years resolutions. I won't bore you with the details of every single one of them right now (save money, do my home-teaching, stop killing hobos, blah, blah, blah). But, I plan to make the development of one of my resolutions a regular feature. At this point, I plan on submitting a weekly post on this one, but that may end up being biweekly.

(NOTE: For those that are stupid, "biweekly" means every two weeks, not twice a week. Twice a week would be semi-weekly. Seriously, people who cannot grasp the difference between bi- and semi- are one of my many language-related pet peeves. In fact, this bothers me so much that I'm considering referring to these posts as occurring fortnightly just to avoid confusing these troglodytes. But, seeing as I'm still planning on making it a weekly (i.e., once a week) event, this is a long, pointless digression.)

The resolution I'm referring to is my decision to make a serious effort to lose weight in 2010. This is a common resolution among people in this fat, fat land of ours. But, sadly, most people are not as in need of weight loss as I am. Now, I know what you're going to say..."Oh Bryan, you're not fat." Yes, people, I am. Why do you feel the need to stroke my ego? I'm neither fragile nor important enough for you to stoop to such shenanigans. Let's all just say it: Bryan is fat.

Doesn't that feel better?

As of today, I weigh in at a portly 247 pounds and I look like this:

I know, disgusting, right? Told you so...

My goal is to lose 30 pounds over the course of 2010. Hopefully, it won't take the whole year to accomplish this goal, but, I'm not going to put any shorter deadlines on it. Why make it any harder?

Step 1 in my weight-loss regimen will be pretty simple: eat less and exercise. Usually, I carry with me about 10 pounds of illusory weight, which I can lose in a matter of just a few short weeks if I just decide to actually think about how much I'm eating at a given sitting. Once I shed these initial pounds, then I'll start thinking more about the actual content of my meals.

Also, the wife and I purchased an elliptical machine a few months back under the rationalization that it would pay for itself once we canceled our pesky gym memberships. However, recently, this apparatus has joined those memberships as well as our Weight Watchers passwords in the Museum of Lofty Weight-Loss Goals and Failed Efforts.

No more, I say. I will be on that thing tomorrow morning at 6:30 AM. Book it.

That's about it for now. Like I said, I hope to make this a regular topic of discussion and will welcome the input, mockery, and derision of the collective readership.