So, as of tomorrow, I will have been using my Candy Pirate (otherwise known as CPAP) Machine for three full weeks. Fans have been clamoring for an update and I'm nothing if not a crowd-pleaser.
It works. Is that enough? No?
On the most basic level, it has completely eliminated my snoring problem. My wife gets more sleep, which would be worth it in its own right. Indeed, no amount of discomfort on my part can outweigh the peace of mind that comes with knowing the love of my life is...okay...she stopped looking over my shoulder.
Let's be honest, she lived with my snoring for more than two years and was fine, thanks to the magic of industrial-strength earplugs. Clearly, helping her sleep marginally better is a decent fringe benefit, but I'm nowhere near generous enough to strap a weird contraption to my face and blow air up my nose if I'm not getting something out of it. Sorry, wifey.
Well, there's really no need to draw this distinction -- other than my desire to make it clear just how independent I am and how my wife is most definitely not the boss of me -- because, thankfully, the Candy Pirate Machine helps me too. From the very first night, I noticed that I remembered fewer instances of waking up during the night, that I had more energy in the morning, and that, upon waking, I had an adamantium skeleton (NOTE: Actual results may vary).
Now that I'm a Candy Pirate, I no longer fall asleep in the car on the way to and from work. I also don't feel the need to take secret naps at my desk during lunch hour. Basically, I usually only need to sleep at night now, which is a good thing. Sadly, it hasn't prevented me from dozing off during church, but, let's be honest, it's probably asking too much to have the CPAP machine make the people in my ward more interesting. Just sayin'.
So, yes, people, the Candy Pirates appear to be here to stay. Let's try not to offend them.
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