A few weeks ago, I posted about my trip to the sleep clinic to look into my alleged sleep apnea. For those not in the know, the most common treatment of sleep apnea is the application of what is called a CPAP machine. At the time, I was too lazy to actually look up what "CPAP" really stands for, so I said it stood for "Candy Pirates Are People (too)." That one got quite a few laughs and, since then, when discussing potential sleep apnea treatments, I've been referring to the CPAP as the "Candy Pirate Machine." Sure, it may not be witty or even funny...at all...but it's helped to paint a much more pleasant picture of the CPAP-infused lifestyle I've been poised to enjoy. Above all else, it's important to stay positive -- at least that's what the kitty calendar at my desk keeps telling me.
For the record, "CPAP" stands for "Continuous Positive Airway Pressure." Boring.
Anyway, today, more than a month after my trip to the sleep center, the Candy Pirates have taken up residence at my house. Yay! But, before we get into all that, let's back up a bit.
Just a couple weeks after my study, my ENT (which is not a old tree that talks, but an ear, nose, and throat doctor) called me in to talk about the results. According to him, my study showed that I was experiencing roughly 56 stoppages of breathing per hour. Yep, roughly one stoppage a minute. Now, like you, I can't imagine that this number can be correct, but who am I dispute the findings of a really old tree...er doctor.
(Note: In case you're not fully geekified, that reference to old trees is from Lord of the Rings.)
Because I suck at returning phone calls and have been less than excited to commit to a life wherein I'm strapping crap to my face every night, it took a while to schedule an appointment with the Candy Pirate technician. That appointment came today...on President's Day. It seriously dampened my President's Day spirit to say the least. Yes, today's traditional President's Day ham was not as tasty as in years past.
The technician's name was James. He arrived at about 11:30 this morning and proceeded to complain about all the paperwork that accompanied the sale and delivery of a Candy Pirate Machine. This lasted for about five minutes until he finished the paperwork and began to complain about all the snow we've had recently. Now, this complaint was understandable, but I couldn't understand why he refused to multitask. Couldn't he complain about the snow while he was unpacking the apparatus? Guess not.
He then proceeded to explain how to set up the machine, noting the differences between the model I'll be using and the one he uses, complete with pointing out the scab on his forehead caused by his CPAP mask. Yes, James is not only an employee of the Candy Pirates, but also a client. This was followed by even more complaints about all the driving he's had to do to deliver machines to customers. He is, of course, getting paid for this driving, but still...
Finally, he finished walking through the steps of setting up the machine and proceeded to complain some more about the paperwork. All in all, I don't think James was too happy to be at my house this morning. I was sorry to ruin his day, but glad to have the scheduling headaches taken care of.
So, now I'm the proud owner of a Candy Pirates Are People (too) machine. Here's what the machine looks like on the table.
Here's what I'll look like when I'm wearing it in my sleep.
So, tonight, I will officially become a Candy Pirate...or whatever. I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that this doohicky will improve my sleep and relieve my wife's suffering. Wish me luck.
2 comments:
Bryan while this was an intresting post I will say that your wife is definately carrying the team here. She is DWill and you are Carl Booz. Step up your A game man and make this blog a champion again.
Bryan, that sucks, man. I probably ought to get checked out, too, my neck size is larger than it used to be.
Dieting and losing weight can help people rid themselves of sleep apnea. Not sayin' your fat, just sayin' that might help you get rid of the candy pirates.
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